Without You
by Stained Blue
Summary: So just say you'll promise me, please, take me if you ever leave. My heart breaks with every beat, I die everyday that you're away from me.


Title: Without You  
>Pairing: HotchGideon (angst/hurt/comfort)  
>Disclaim: Firstly, don't own. Also, haven't had a chance to write in a while, be patient.<p>

Hotch was fully aware that he was hiding in his office, behind piles of paperwork that could wait, from his wife and son. It was much the same as when he was at work. Either way, the work wasn't getting done.

Drawing in a deep, steeling breath, Aaron started to pick his way through the piles of cases and reports, singling out what needed to be done first. Efficiency kicked in and the work depleted far faster than he would have liked, and before too long he would no longer have a reason to hide. A soft knock tapped on his office door, forcing him to his feet. He pulled the door open, unsurprised to see Haley standing there. Her attitude was almost palpable.

"Aaron, you've been hiding all night. Jack never sees you, so leave work alone. You can, surely, handle that for a few hours right?" He almost reluctantly followed her out into the house, closing the door firmly behind him. They didn't even brush as they walked into the living room.

Once more, the emptiness hit him hard, reminding him of everything he'd lost.

Like a good father, he sat on the floor near Jack and idly began to play with his little boy. It wasn't that he could ever stop loving Jack, just that everything else was numb. It had been for a little while now, ever since…he shook his head, banishing thoughts and returning his attention solely to Jack. Glancing back, he noticed Haley had left. With a sigh, he registered the fact that he was just a distraction so Haley could cook dinner.

He did everything he was supposed to do, everything a good husband and father would do. He was attentive during dinner and helped get Jack ready for bed after his bath. But once Jack was settled into bed, he couldn't pretend anymore and Haley didn't expect him to. She went to their bedroom; he went to his office.

Sitting still in the muted lighting, he sipped a shot of scotch and brooded. Elusive memories teased at his mind before he shut them out. He battled against his emotions before slamming the shot back on his desk. Aaron ran his palms over his face, his fingers tugging his hair into disarray. He was losing. Suddenly, he got to his feet and left his office, closing the door silently behind him. He crept through the house and out into the garage.

In the car, he smoothed his hair before opening the garage door and turning the car on. He drove around his neighborhood, trying to still his mind. But those demons caught up to him, and unbidden memories and hurts came upon him. Emotion, much like a wrong done, came upon him, and Aaron mashed his foot down on the accelerator.

His heart knew where he was going even before his mind acknowledged it. When he came upon the earth-toned modest house, all the lights were dark. He threw the car into park and twisted the key in the ignition. About the house, the neighborhood crawled sparse and dark. Despite all appearances of sleep, Aaron wasn't fooled.

He snatched the car door open, letting it slam overly loud in the silent street, and made his way up to the house. All his anger and hurt, which had begun boiling in the car, was over-spilling. He brought his closed fist down on the door, the thud resonating inside the house. Aaron banged on the door loud. "Open the door! I know you can HEAR ME!" Around him, if he'd taken the time to notice, lights blinked on and off again; curtains slid away from windows before breathing back into place.

But he didn't notice. His world had narrowed to the cold, unyielding wood under his fist. "OPEN THE DAMN DOOR!" He began to use both hands to bang on the door, when a light snapped on in the foyer. He continued to bang on the door, even as he heard the lock's tumblers falling out of place.

The door fell open under his fist, and Aaron stared at a bewildered Jason Gideon. "Hotch…" the other man started to say, but Aaron was way ahead of him. "You asshole! You didn't even bother to say goodbye!" Jason's hands came up in a surrendering position, but Aaron was having none of it. He shoved the familiar and smudged note in Jason's face. "This does NOT count as a goodbye! And to Reid, of all fucking people." He crumpled the note up and hurled it at the older man. "Fuck you Jason Gideon, because that's what you basically said to us! You couldn't even bother to tell us! Your team fucking needs you! I NEED YOU!"

His pulse was slamming in his temples and his chest was jerking in an uncommon way. All he could do was glower darkly at the other man. Slowly, it began to register in his clouded mind that Jason might have been asleep, as he was dressed in sweatpants and a t-shirt. His rigid control began to rein his emotions in, and Aaron ran a hand through his hair. "I'm sorry," he said softly, his voice barely a whisper.

A door opened, and a silhouette stepped into the puddle of light. "Jason," the male's voice called uncertainly across the lawn. Aaron was surprised when Gideon grabbed hold of his arm and pulled him gently into the warm house, before taking his place on the stoop. "It's alright Ryan, just a personal issue. Go on back to bed." Jason's voice was soft but clear, commanding and still managing to sound like a demure suggestion.

Aaron could see the other man fight with his thoughts briefly before he disappeared back into his house. All around Jason's house, lights shut off and silence fell soft and new.

Jason shut the door and walked deeper into the house, turning on lights as he went. Aaron stood awkwardly in the foyer before following Jason to the kitchen, where the other man was putting on a pot of coffee. Jason leaned against the countertop and motioned to the kitchen table and chairs, "Please. Sit."

Even before registering the request, Aaron was moving toward the aforementioned furniture. He felt embarrassed, nearly humiliated, because of course now they were going to have a nice long talk that would, undoubtedly, make Aaron feel like a young man again.

But instead, silence descended into the room. The smell of good, strong coffee reached out toward him, as the pot burbled softly. He watched Jason make two cups of coffee and approach the table. His head hurt, and he graciously accepted the steaming cup, his fingers brushing Jason's in his haste. Alone together, within the confines of the cozy kitchen, it was harder to ignore the older man and the affect he had on Aaron.

"So…did you plan to show up at my door screaming at two in the morning, or did it just happen that way?" Aaron forced a soft chuff of laughter. "I think it just happened." He just stared at the tabletop, afraid to lift his gaze.

He could feel Jason staring at him, and fought the urge to look up. "I was going to say goodbye but…it hurt enough to write the damn note. I left it to Reid because I didn't need to bother you with that." Jason got up from the table, "You guys don't need me there. They've got you." Aaron's head snapped up, and he jerked up from the table.

"You're wrong. The team does need you." He jerked Jason around. "Just admit you ran! You abandoned us instead of letting us help you. You accepted the resignation! You're supposed to be there, I'm nothing without you!" Emotions burned through him as he crashed hard against Jason.

The kiss was everything but romantic. It was hard and frantic, more of an assault than a real kiss. His hands knotted hard in Jason's shirt, holding the other man still. Jason didn't fight the kiss, but didn't necessarily reciprocate it. Finally, Aaron pulled back. Humiliation burned his cheeks. He tried to leave Jason's personal space, but the older man took hold of his arms.

"Aaron." The voice hinted at a tender request, but Aaron could feel the command. He looked up into those dark eyes. Something was in that gaze, something curious and wondering. His heart fluttered and twisted in his chest. "You don't need me. You have the team, Haley, Jack." Something in him crunched.

"You…when you left, I fell apart. I've been hiding from the team, my family. I'm harsher toward Reid. I've been drinking every night since you left and you're going to tell me I don't need you?" He laughed ruefully, shaking his head. "You're the only person that makes me feel, and I don't need you?" Jason shook his head. "You're just experiencing transference."

"FROM WHO? Haley's leaving me, Jack doesn't remember me half the time, and the rest of my family is dead." He gave Jason a look, pinning him to the spot. "You can tell yourself whatever you need to to act like this didn't happen, but without you there I can't breathe and the world stops and I fall apart." Jason was giving him a look that even he couldn't decipher. "I'll just go."

He made it to the kitchen door before Jason called out to him. "Aaron…wait. Please?" His fingers curled around the doorframe. He couldn't bring himself to look around at the older man. "No. I've waited so long. I protected you, defended you; I dropped you so many hints. I thought you knew, I thought you felt it too…and now this. I'm tired of waiting."

Aaron walked back through the house. His fingers wrapped around the doorknob, and he closed his eyes. His heart felt heavy, but he steeled himself. Outside that door, there was virtually nothing for him. He was just starting to turn the knob when Jason's hand grabbed his shoulder. He stared at the door, waiting. "Without you…my life is a disaster." He felt Jason step closer, his body barely brushing Aaron's. "Even if you don't need me, just think you do, I do need you."

Jason tugged him around. He stared into that dark gaze, certain if he stared long enough everything else would fall back into place. "Don't go, please?" There was no subtle command in that, just a tugged plea at his heart. Jason's gaze skirted down to the floor before lifting again before leaning forward.

When their lips met, Aaron's eyes closed. It was like breathing again, through Jason. His hands found Jason, clinging to the other. It was tender, like a caress on his heart. It was what he needed. Jason pulled back, just barely, and Aaron could feel the other's breath on his lips. "Don't go." He forced his eyes open and stared down into those dark eyes. He grasped Jason's hand and smoothed it against his chest, right above his frantically beating heart. "I can't, I'm nothing without you."

Author Note: Okay, so it turned kinda sweet/sappy there at the end, but I haven't written in a while so if it's a bit rusty, I apologize in advance. It might become part of a short series, because I'm feeling the Hotch/Giddy love right now :)


End file.
